Why You Trying to Convert Me?

A few days ago a member of a religion I won’t specify stopped me on a main walk way in Penn’s campus. He gave me a sheet of paper saying I was a sinner, that I had to find the way, that I should cleanse my soul, and therefore convert to his religion. He knew all that without speaking a word with me, just seeing me make two steps on Penn's most crowded walkway.

I know this is an extreme example, and you can probably guess which religion claims that you’re a sinner without knowing you (answer: most of them). But overall I’d like to understand the reason behind why people in practically all religions desperately seek to convert me to theirs. Though I must admit that the followers of Judaism, at least those I’ve met, aren’t hyped up on converting others. And I applaud and thank them for it.

Perhaps I don’t see things in the same way as these street missionaries, but here’s how I understand religion: to put it as consensually as possible, it’s a spiritual “thing” between you and some entity, whether material or not, tangible or not, visible or not, communicating or not, in order to find either peace of mind, of soul, and/or guidance. (I’m really trying to encompass every monotheist religion I’ve heard about in this description; please shout at me if I’ve failed to include yours). I hope I’m not stepping too far out of line by saying that religion is a personal thing. One may have priests, pastors, rabbis, imams, mullahs, Popes, sages, or other mediums to communicate with another entities, but overall it’s a personal thing. Do you still agree?

Okay, so if religion is a personal thing, could you explain to me how it will affect you if I don’t believe in the same thing as you?

I can already hear your answer: you’re only trying to show me the right way so that I am not punished, either in a subsequent life or in hell. In which case, I thank you for your good intentions. But I happen to be a very stubborn and immature person who is convinced I have found the meaning of life and am just waiting the years until I get to verify my theory. Basically, I’m not interested in your offer, and though I appreciate your intention to save me, I think I’ll pass. As hard to believe as it might be, whatever peace of mind/soul you've found in your religion I've found in mine. Yours really isn't the only way.

Why do you insist? Why would you repeatedly try to convert me, send money to the churches, mosques, schools, and cultural centers in my neighborhood, so that they can promote your ideas? (If any of you think I’m only attacking Christianity and Christians, this last point is just as much pointing the finger at Wahhabit Muslims who send Saudi money to mosques and religious schools as I criticize Christian missionaries). Seriously mate, I’ve formed my own opinion, I’ve settled on it, and I’d like to change it only if I think it’s time to change it. I really don’t want you bombarding me with your ideas.

And please tell me why you’re accusing me of being a sinner if you don’t even take the time to ask for my name and get to know me? You’re acting on an assumption that is most likely false. You don’t know what I’ve done in my life, and even if I’m the secret founder of a movement which promotes the traffic of raped baby organs, as long as you don’t know that you can’t call me a sinner. Besides, friend, you and I probably don’t even agree on what a sinner is. You’re an apple, I’m a carrot, and you’re saying that the tree you grow on is better than mine: well duh, I don’t even grow on a tree. Don’t say you’re better than me.

So we’ve agreed on the fact that religion is a personal thing. And we’ve agreed that the answer which provides you with peace is completely different from the answer which provides your neighbor with the same result. Finally, I’ve made it clear I don’t want you telling me or my (potential) children, brothers, or sisters who aren’t old enough to decide what to believe in.

When it comes right down to it, I’m asking you to do a very simple thing: believe in what you believe in, find happiness in it, and let me find happiness in mine. I swear to you, if I ever feel the need for a change, I will definitely come ask you for advice.

But you’re still insisting?!?! This seems very weird. What do you gain from my joining your religion? Is it like a salesman who gets a commission off of everything he sells? I don’t think so. So why do you so desperately want to convert me to something I won’t convert to? It begs the question: what do you gain from me joining you?

I think I have an idea: you gain in numbers. Your numbers grow, and more numbers mean, for lack of a more complex idea, more muscle. You have more leverage, you can defend your interests better, you have more power, you gain importance. I don’t know if this is your reason, but it sure as hell is a good reason why I’d try as hard you to make people follow me.

Am I wrong? I don’t know. The two main monotheist religions of the day certainly seem to adhere to this principle. They’ve gone to extraordinary lengths just to convert people who didn’t want to be counted amongst their ranks. Maybe you’re right in seeking huge numbers: if we look at history in the very long run, turning-points in history often coincide with major wars. And in wars, it’s usually an an advantage to have more people. When your goal is to save Jerusalem from the infidels, it’s useful to have numbers. That way you can cross a continent and a sea to fight for a parcel of land the size of a few counties. Not that the Muslims were exactly angels either: “You have the choice of converting to Islam, or not (and if not this knife might slip from my hand through to your throat).” Numbers man, power is in the numbers.

Too bad though. I think I believe that the most enlightened of the monotheist prophets was Jesus, simply because his message was a marketing wonder, simple, easy to remember, and healthy: he said love. Just love, whether it be him, God, your family, your friends, the neighbor, the anonymous man walking down the street, the hated prostitute, or someone who isn’t born yet. Jesus said love. So why won't you just love?

I just don’t understand why you want to convert me so bad. Remember Alexander the Great? Kid formed an empire bigger than America in one very short lifetime. And do you know what he didn’t do? He never sought to convert people to his Hellenic values. Actually, he even tried to learn the languages of every place he conquered. Worked out pretty good for him, too. Until he got a fever and died. But while he was alive and breathing, people seemed to love him. And he didn't even need Jesus to tell him how to do it. Damn man, Alex showed you how, Jesus whispered the answer to you, and you're still not listening.

So, let’s see, we've shown that you can have all the power and the numbers without actually forcing people to convert to your religion. We agree that religion is a personal thing with rewards and benefits that only the individual can experience, and that he/she experiences them only inside him/herself. Therefore, why are you so desperately trying to convert me? It’s really bugging me, I need to understand why you’re making it such a capital point to make me like you.

Here’s my final conclusion, and it's either of two things: 1) if you’re trying to convert me because you’re convinced you’re right and are saving me, then you’re screwed up. You’ve got issues; you should see a shrink. Because buddy boy, you have absolutely no way of knowing who is right or wrong, and if you ask me there isn’t even such a thing as right or wrong. Whatever “proof” you can give me of the validity of your religion, I can show you 10 religions with the same amount of “proofs”. You’ve got an ego the size of the Sahara Desert, and you’re losing sight of what’s real. You urgently need to see a shrink.

Otherwise, 2) if you’re trying to convert me because you don’t want me to think differently, then you’re telling me you’re afraid. You’re afraid I won’t think like you. Maybe you’re afraid you aren’t right, and instead of finding a working answer you’d just like to suppress all the competition. Or maybe you want to rule me so totalitarilly that you cannot suffer any dissension, and my being different is a threat of dissension. In which case you even more urgently need to see a shrink.

Because, my friend, in the long run religion is something between you and what you believe in. It is your answer to questions you can’t answer, such as death, meaning of life, the beginning, or inexplicable reasons. Maybe you think that believing in your principles will take you to heaven. It’s fine with me, just as long as you let me go to my heaven on my own. Perhaps I should threaten you: if you don’t stop trying to convert me, I’ll start trying to convert you. Then we’ll see.

And please, if you know what’s good for you, don’t ever come up to me on the street and call me a sinner again without knowing me. I mean, didn’t your parents teach you any manners? That really pisses me. Who the fuck (there we go with the f-word) is so fucking arrogant to earnestly think there's nothing wrong with walking up to strangers and insulting them? If I had your manners I'd (#*&%) the shit out of you. So whatever you think of me, please keep it to yourself. And apart for that, dear friend, enjoy your life, enjoy your differences, and be happy. And remember Jesus: I love you too.