Why You Trying to Convert Me?

A few days ago a member of a religion I won’t specify stopped me on a main walk way in Penn’s campus. He gave me a sheet of paper saying I was a sinner, that I had to find the way, that I should cleanse my soul, and therefore convert to his religion. He knew all that without speaking a word with me, just seeing me make two steps on Penn's most crowded walkway.

I know this is an extreme example, and you can probably guess which religion claims that you’re a sinner without knowing you (answer: most of them). But overall I’d like to understand the reason behind why people in practically all religions desperately seek to convert me to theirs. Though I must admit that the followers of Judaism, at least those I’ve met, aren’t hyped up on converting others. And I applaud and thank them for it.

Perhaps I don’t see things in the same way as these street missionaries, but here’s how I understand religion: to put it as consensually as possible, it’s a spiritual “thing” between you and some entity, whether material or not, tangible or not, visible or not, communicating or not, in order to find either peace of mind, of soul, and/or guidance. (I’m really trying to encompass every monotheist religion I’ve heard about in this description; please shout at me if I’ve failed to include yours). I hope I’m not stepping too far out of line by saying that religion is a personal thing. One may have priests, pastors, rabbis, imams, mullahs, Popes, sages, or other mediums to communicate with another entities, but overall it’s a personal thing. Do you still agree?

Okay, so if religion is a personal thing, could you explain to me how it will affect you if I don’t believe in the same thing as you?

I can already hear your answer: you’re only trying to show me the right way so that I am not punished, either in a subsequent life or in hell. In which case, I thank you for your good intentions. But I happen to be a very stubborn and immature person who is convinced I have found the meaning of life and am just waiting the years until I get to verify my theory. Basically, I’m not interested in your offer, and though I appreciate your intention to save me, I think I’ll pass. As hard to believe as it might be, whatever peace of mind/soul you've found in your religion I've found in mine. Yours really isn't the only way.

Why do you insist? Why would you repeatedly try to convert me, send money to the churches, mosques, schools, and cultural centers in my neighborhood, so that they can promote your ideas? (If any of you think I’m only attacking Christianity and Christians, this last point is just as much pointing the finger at Wahhabit Muslims who send Saudi money to mosques and religious schools as I criticize Christian missionaries). Seriously mate, I’ve formed my own opinion, I’ve settled on it, and I’d like to change it only if I think it’s time to change it. I really don’t want you bombarding me with your ideas.

And please tell me why you’re accusing me of being a sinner if you don’t even take the time to ask for my name and get to know me? You’re acting on an assumption that is most likely false. You don’t know what I’ve done in my life, and even if I’m the secret founder of a movement which promotes the traffic of raped baby organs, as long as you don’t know that you can’t call me a sinner. Besides, friend, you and I probably don’t even agree on what a sinner is. You’re an apple, I’m a carrot, and you’re saying that the tree you grow on is better than mine: well duh, I don’t even grow on a tree. Don’t say you’re better than me.

So we’ve agreed on the fact that religion is a personal thing. And we’ve agreed that the answer which provides you with peace is completely different from the answer which provides your neighbor with the same result. Finally, I’ve made it clear I don’t want you telling me or my (potential) children, brothers, or sisters who aren’t old enough to decide what to believe in.

When it comes right down to it, I’m asking you to do a very simple thing: believe in what you believe in, find happiness in it, and let me find happiness in mine. I swear to you, if I ever feel the need for a change, I will definitely come ask you for advice.

But you’re still insisting?!?! This seems very weird. What do you gain from my joining your religion? Is it like a salesman who gets a commission off of everything he sells? I don’t think so. So why do you so desperately want to convert me to something I won’t convert to? It begs the question: what do you gain from me joining you?

I think I have an idea: you gain in numbers. Your numbers grow, and more numbers mean, for lack of a more complex idea, more muscle. You have more leverage, you can defend your interests better, you have more power, you gain importance. I don’t know if this is your reason, but it sure as hell is a good reason why I’d try as hard you to make people follow me.

Am I wrong? I don’t know. The two main monotheist religions of the day certainly seem to adhere to this principle. They’ve gone to extraordinary lengths just to convert people who didn’t want to be counted amongst their ranks. Maybe you’re right in seeking huge numbers: if we look at history in the very long run, turning-points in history often coincide with major wars. And in wars, it’s usually an an advantage to have more people. When your goal is to save Jerusalem from the infidels, it’s useful to have numbers. That way you can cross a continent and a sea to fight for a parcel of land the size of a few counties. Not that the Muslims were exactly angels either: “You have the choice of converting to Islam, or not (and if not this knife might slip from my hand through to your throat).” Numbers man, power is in the numbers.

Too bad though. I think I believe that the most enlightened of the monotheist prophets was Jesus, simply because his message was a marketing wonder, simple, easy to remember, and healthy: he said love. Just love, whether it be him, God, your family, your friends, the neighbor, the anonymous man walking down the street, the hated prostitute, or someone who isn’t born yet. Jesus said love. So why won't you just love?

I just don’t understand why you want to convert me so bad. Remember Alexander the Great? Kid formed an empire bigger than America in one very short lifetime. And do you know what he didn’t do? He never sought to convert people to his Hellenic values. Actually, he even tried to learn the languages of every place he conquered. Worked out pretty good for him, too. Until he got a fever and died. But while he was alive and breathing, people seemed to love him. And he didn't even need Jesus to tell him how to do it. Damn man, Alex showed you how, Jesus whispered the answer to you, and you're still not listening.

So, let’s see, we've shown that you can have all the power and the numbers without actually forcing people to convert to your religion. We agree that religion is a personal thing with rewards and benefits that only the individual can experience, and that he/she experiences them only inside him/herself. Therefore, why are you so desperately trying to convert me? It’s really bugging me, I need to understand why you’re making it such a capital point to make me like you.

Here’s my final conclusion, and it's either of two things: 1) if you’re trying to convert me because you’re convinced you’re right and are saving me, then you’re screwed up. You’ve got issues; you should see a shrink. Because buddy boy, you have absolutely no way of knowing who is right or wrong, and if you ask me there isn’t even such a thing as right or wrong. Whatever “proof” you can give me of the validity of your religion, I can show you 10 religions with the same amount of “proofs”. You’ve got an ego the size of the Sahara Desert, and you’re losing sight of what’s real. You urgently need to see a shrink.

Otherwise, 2) if you’re trying to convert me because you don’t want me to think differently, then you’re telling me you’re afraid. You’re afraid I won’t think like you. Maybe you’re afraid you aren’t right, and instead of finding a working answer you’d just like to suppress all the competition. Or maybe you want to rule me so totalitarilly that you cannot suffer any dissension, and my being different is a threat of dissension. In which case you even more urgently need to see a shrink.

Because, my friend, in the long run religion is something between you and what you believe in. It is your answer to questions you can’t answer, such as death, meaning of life, the beginning, or inexplicable reasons. Maybe you think that believing in your principles will take you to heaven. It’s fine with me, just as long as you let me go to my heaven on my own. Perhaps I should threaten you: if you don’t stop trying to convert me, I’ll start trying to convert you. Then we’ll see.

And please, if you know what’s good for you, don’t ever come up to me on the street and call me a sinner again without knowing me. I mean, didn’t your parents teach you any manners? That really pisses me. Who the fuck (there we go with the f-word) is so fucking arrogant to earnestly think there's nothing wrong with walking up to strangers and insulting them? If I had your manners I'd (#*&%) the shit out of you. So whatever you think of me, please keep it to yourself. And apart for that, dear friend, enjoy your life, enjoy your differences, and be happy. And remember Jesus: I love you too.

Growing and Sowing Fear

I turn my computer on to send an email to a professor and my web browser takes me to bbcnews.com, my starting page. On the cover I see the quote "[XXX] warns of 'War on Humanity' ". In normal circumstances I'd just laugh and take those words as the ramblings of a senile old man craving for some attention. However, the author of that phrase, 'War on Humanity', happens to be the world's stupidest and most powerful leader, George W. Bush. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4316698.stm)

The sheer amount of bullshit that he and his puppeteers are shoving down America's throat is incredible. I am completely dumbfounded and awestruck at the unimaginable series of humiliating blunders and unforgivable mistakes he's committed since his election 2000. If I was him, I'd be so fucking red of shame I'd hide in a cupboard hoping people forgot who I was. I’d go on some desert island and sever any connection with the world, messenger pigeons included, just not to suffer others looking at me. Yet here’s a guy and his friends who, every couple weeks, come up with a new scandal, even worst than the previous, to make sure they are the undisputed laughing-stocks of the world. I think they’re playing a game of truth or dare, and they’ve dared themselves to see how far they can go before sinking their credibility, name, persona, and anything they may have.

Today Bush is warning of a war on humanity. Yesterday Dick Cheney was warning people that the US must be prepared to fight the war on terror for decades (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4314234.stm). How can people hear things like that and not be dumbstruck? Is this what they promised you? Is this really what you want? Bush says militants wanted to establish a radical Islamic Empire from Spain to Indonesia. I can smell the shit coming out of my computer! My God he’s desperate to bullshit people. I’ll grant you there may be a few people in the whole world who want to create some sort of an Islamic Empire, but they aren’t nearly enough to be worthy of any attention. And they are less powerful than some equally fervent Christians who can be found in very powerful positions. But let me ask you, o dear reader: are you afraid that some fanatical Christian is trying to convert you to his flavour of extreme Christianity? No, because you know better. What you don’t know is that it’s the same with those radical Muslims, and that they’re worth about the same amount of attention, i.e.: none. In every group of society there are some mentally deranged freaks, and you just learn to ignore them. The same applies here.

What Bush and Co. are trying to do is create a state of fear, because it is so much easier to rule in a state of fear and confusion. It's the basics of Governance. Read Macchiavelli's Prince. Recall your Patriot Act, overwhelmingly passed after 9/11, that proved to be questionable when you looked back a few years later. That’s what Bush and Co. are trying to instill: a state of fear that would enable them to easily implement the points on their agenda. You want a more dangerous comparison? Do you know what gave Hitler power to rule as he pleased? Article 41 of the Weimar constitution, stating that in a period of crisis he could rule without observance of the Constitution. I'm not saying Bush is nearly as evil as Hitler (don't you dare twist my words), but the phenomenon, to rule in a state of fear, is the exact same.

I still can’t get over that phrase: “War on Humanity”. It’s so unbe-fucking-lievable. Do you actually understand what the phrase means? He’s saying Islamists are fighting and trying to kill all humans who aren’t like them. That’s like a plotline taken from some Star Wars movie with Planet Zeta fighting Star Goose. Now Hitler, fucking Hitler had a real War on Humanity, but he wanted to control everyone, reproduce his Arian race, and kill all the races he deemed to be inferior. But he never wanted to kill EVERYONE. Now Bush is saying that these Islamists, which aren’t nearly as popular as Hitler was, not nearly as powerful, and not nearly as capable, are trying to do something even bigger than Hitler. And the best part is he’s serious! Amazing.

“From Spain to Indonesia.” Right, let me put things this way. Of all the countries in the world, Spain is one of the most sought countries by Muslims. I’d know, I’m Moroccan, and the number of Moroccans who leave their own wholly Muslim country for the arguably fervent Catholic nation of Spain is huge. Yet they’ve been fleeing there for decades, legally and clandestinely. I should show you a picture of the waiting line at the door of the Spanish consulate to get Spanish visas. People spend the night there, 6 days out of 7, and wait for hours at the door knowing they are likely going to be rejected. And the number of Moroccans fleeing to Spain clandestinely, that’s like Locust Walk on a Saturday night at 2 am. So why the hell would all these Muslims be fleeing to a Catholic country just to make it more like the one they're fleeing from?

Okay, and now let’s go somewhere else: France, the European nation with the most Muslims. Anywhere between 3 and 6 million Muslims in France. When a French journalist was kidnapped in Iraq, do you know who also came out and prominently asked the kidnappers to release her? The Muslim organizations and associations of France. Go figure. Oh but I’m sure they’re also planning a take-over, and it’s a cover for their activities.

Now, allow me a small analysis of the concept “Islamic Empire from Spain to Indonesia.” Going just south of Spain you run into Morocco (my country). And almost everything from Morocco to Indonesia happens to already be Muslim. Well, golly, would you look at that! The Islamic Empire seems to already be there! Uh-oh, Mr. Bush, I think we need to wage a war on all of North Africa, the Middle East, Persian Gulf, and south Asia.

Oh but wait, no it’s not there, and you know why? Because all the Muslims will never form one country, state, or empire. You see Mr. Bush, Muslims have already tried to league into one nation. Had you studied your history, you would've seen that during the 70’s Muslims had already tried to create a unified Arab state, but it failed as soon as the first two merged (Syria and Egypt). Now do you seriously think that if 2 countries can’t cooperate, approximately 20 will? Ha! Morocco couldn’t cooperate with Algeria, who’d have a hard time with all the Monarchies, of which Saudi Arabia, who quarrels with Iran, who’s at odds with Lebanon, who’s angry at Syria, who’s always pissed at everyone except Sudan, who’s blowing itself up in Darfur. Is that the Islamic Empire you’re afraid of, Mr. Bush? Most of these countries can barely take care of themselves, how are they going to do it together? You see old man, they are notorious for constantly quarreling and disagreeing on everything. Muslims have agreed to disagree. It’s a known fact we all laugh about.

I can already hear your riposte: yes, but the times have changed, and this time it would be an entirely new kind of leadership that would get rid of the present regimes and unify all the Islamist states together. A sort of alliance of a new leadership. And here's my retort: if you believe for one second that the peoples of these countries are going to willingly get rid of their present regimes in favour of a religious leadership, just like in Iran, you're wrong (for lack of a more insulting characterisation). The peoples of the Muslim countries aren't stupid and don't want a religious leadership, and if they ever did, they would very quickly rebel against it.

Oh, yes, but I forgot Spain in your equation. Let me put it this way: anyone who seriously considers converting Spain to Islam is high on drugs. Now that we've settled this, you want to know why you mentionned Spain in your stretch of the Islamic Empire? You insert Spain just to make people panic at the idea of a Christian nation being the target of an Islamic Empire's desires. Spain represents Christianity, Europe, and the developed world, and by inserting Spain in the equation you're just frightening people.

Now that we've thoroughly dissected all the bullshit presented, let me tell you why I care so much about your actions? After all, I’m not American, I don’t use up American funds or scholarships, I don’t plan on staying here after I finish my studies. It would seem like I have no stake in these problems of yours. But you know, I actually do have a stake in how you govern. You see, I am aware of just how important the consequences of your decisions are on my country, and so I pay attention to them. You should try it sometime.

I’m from an amazingly welcoming and warm country, Morocco, where people never kill each other. Moroccans killing each other is something about as plausible as UFO’s ordering Diet Cokes with their Big Macs. Yet on Friday May 16, 2003, a group of Moroccans blew themselves up and killed 45 Moroccans.

And you know what else? Morocco is a proud country with a rich and unique heritage. It has never been infiltrated or controlled by any foreign power. Sure, France came. And they left merely 30 years later. And they didn’t control more than a third of Morocco. But today religous conservatives have so infiltrated the country that they are the third most powerful party in the Moroccan parliament. This is unseen and unheard of.

(Please, you must allow me this humiliation against you: for the Iraq war you either asked or accepted the most ridiculous gift from my king; monkeys. Yes sir, we sent monkeys to Iraq. Why? We've been told it was to walk on the minefields and clear them, but I'm not sure. I don't really care what you do with our monkeys, I just don't see why you need them in the first place)

And you know why Moroccans are so unhappy and killing themselves? No, of course you don’t; if you didn’t know the capital of India as a President, why would you know the consequences of your actions abroad? Because you polarized the world, Muslims vs. non-Muslims. And my country happens to be Muslim. By your actions you not only directly attacked Muslims, but you indirectly spurred turmoil within ourselves. In the spirit of honesty though, I won't say that you are the only cause to our problems. But I maintain that if you hadn't come we wouldn't have blown ourselves up.

Speaking of which, your war is so unbelievably stupid. You know, two years ago when it started I applauded the US for taking action against the criminal that is Saddam Hussein. Seriously, I was a consternation back in my High School as the only person, Americans included, who didn't think the war was an error. I just hoped you would leave by June of that year, as promised. Now I'm disillusioned.

Don’t you realize that the tactics you’ve been using to “fight terror” are useless? You are fighting an army of shadows. You aren’t fighting troops and men. You’re fighting people who infiltrate, disguise, and hide themselves. It’s a different kind of war, and you're just spilling more soldiers at it. What you're doing is analoguous to trying to kill a fire by pouring fuel on it, thinking you're pouring fire. And you'r surprised the fire is growing, and you're just pouring more fuel, convinced it will eventually die out.

You’re just bleeding yourself and Iraqi citizens to death. The longer you stay, and the longer you promise to stay, the more innocents will die. Do you realize that suicide attacks have become a daily event in Iraq? That on any given week over a hundred innocent Iraqis are dying? Oh, but you’re there to protect them? From who? From themselves? They don’t fucking want you there. Ok, I’m exaggerating. There are a lot of extremists in Iraq, such as Zarkawi, who deserve a very slow death. As hard as it is to believe, you and I actually agree on something. But understand that as soon as you leave they won’t have any reasons to continue killing innocent people. As soon as you give Iraq back to the Iraqis they won’t have any reasons to complain. There will be a short confusion period, but no one said it would be easy. And they'll choose what they want to choose. Why don’t you actually apply the principles of democracy for once, and let a people decide who and what it wants? You may not agree with their choice, but the world didn’t agree with America’s choice last November either. Yet you’re still dancing around, aren’t you?

In conclusion, you know what Mr. Bush? Despite what you’ve done (not understanding the problems, betraying people, trying to impose your values on others, being too proud to recognize your errors, or trying to ram bullshit up my throat) I’m not going to hate you. I’m not so basic and primitive that I would hate you. Somehow I think it would make me morally higher than you. Don’t worry, I’m not going to love you either, I’m not emulating Gandhi. But at least that will be one thing that you can’t touch: my dignity. You and your corrupt friends can rule the world materially, but you’ll never have the balls or the guts to rule it with the values that your country was founded upon. And you’ll never have the balls to be honest about your mistakes. You’d rather make a fool out of yourself and scare people with fearful formulas such as "Islamic Empire" and "War on Humanity" than admit your huge mistakes. Too bad for you, because one day you’ll realize who you are, and upon looking at a mirror you’ll break it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have that email to write to my professor.

Paranoia in Fuchsia Minor

Or, a twisted cocktail of zesty insanity and glamorous extravaganza, spiced with boiling orgasmics.